Love Letters :The Marriage

To my dear wife

"During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

- We will wake the children 17 times
- It's too late 15 times
- I'm too tired 5 times
- It's too early 52 times
- It's too hot 15 times
- Pretending to be asleep 49 times
- Window open the neighbours will hear 9 times
- Backache 2 times
- Headache 16 times
- Sunburnt 10 times
- Your mother will hear us 6 times
- Not in the mood 21 times
- Will wake the baby 17 times
- Watching the late TV show 7 times
- Too sore 9 times
- New hairdo 4 times
- Wrong time of the month 4 times
- You had to go to the toilet 9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband".

.................................................

To my dear husband

"I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

- Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 7 times
- Didn't come home 29 times
- Didn't come 14 times
- Came too soon 26 times
- Went soft before you got in 18 times
- Toes in cramp 9 times
- Working late 49 times
- Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat 21 times
- In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls 4 times
- Caught it in your zip 6 times
- Got a cold, your nose keeps running 14 times
- Brewer's droop 95 times
- Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue 9 times
- Had a splinter in your finger 4 times
- Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 13 times
- Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you back or with me kneeling?" The times you felt me move were because you had
farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife".